Cereal Killer

My newest video.  A lot of it is recycled humour from this blog entry from a few days ago,  but there's some new stuff in there too.  I think my favourite part is that when I uploaded this video (entitled Cereal Killer for obvious reasons),  the thumbnail YouTube generated looks somewhat as though I'm trying to recreate the iconic Clockwork Orange poster shown on the right,  only with a piece of Shredded Wheat stuck to my dagger,  completing the pun.  However,  that was not my intention at all.  It's just a brilliant coincidence.  In truth,  it's just a still from my video where I'm talking rather benignly about the size of Shredded Wheat.  YouTube just happened to capture the single frame in the whole video where I look like a cereal-stabbing sociopath.

Awesome.

Halloweenery

This is my Halloween costume from last year.  I went as an electric chair escapee,  and it pretty much rocked.  You can't really make out the helmet in this picture,  but it was a masterpiece of a metal bowl, leather belts,  a drain stopper,  wires, and a long phone cord.  I was really proud of it -- it was very convincing.

At any rate,  I went out for drinks with my friend Jayson last year,  and looking around the club I was at,  noticed that I was the only female in the entire place not sporting a slutty costume.  I started to actually feel a little self-conscious over how trampy I didn't look!

My favourites were the girls who dressed as Slutty Axl Rose and Slutty Slash,  but there were also slutty witches,  slutty devils,  even one girl dressed as a slutty bee.  I gotta be honest...  the slutty bee confused me a little.  After all,  a bee colony consists of drones (the males), workers (asexual females) and queens.  Queens are the only female bees who really get any action,  and they are repulsive huge pulsating Jabba The Hutt-like entities who sit in the middle of the hive and lay eggs nonstop.  Anyway,  the queen bee is the only slutty bee,  and she's just not that sexy by human standards...  but I digress.

I guess I decided I wanted to just once have my own slutty costume,  just to see what all the fuss was about.  I got to talking with my sister about what I should dress as,  and one of the ideas that she tossed out was Slutty Alex DeLarge -- sort of a form-fitted take on the famous droog's uniform.  Well,  it was about then that I realized I DID want to go as Alex... but... not Slutty Alex (well -- unless you take into account that the guy was a serial rapist).  Accurate Alex!  Worse yet,  I want to use my androgynous body to my advantage for once and go as a male human dressed as Alex DeLarge.  Yeah,  I don't think I'll ever have a slutty costume.  It's probably for the best...  nobody needs to see that!

The best part about this costume is that I have just about everything I need in my closet already,  with the exception of the bloody eyeball cuffs and of course the codpiece (no really,  I don't have a cricket jockstrap just laying around).

I went to Value Village in hopes of finding some inspiration as to what I was going to fashion that infernal codpiece out of,  and that's where I found it...  a negligee in the perfect shade of beige.  All I would have to do would be to make a padded belt with a bit of an extension in the front,  tuck in an athletic cup,  et voila!

I took my find to the counter where I met a rather jaded cashier.  She gave me a condescending look and said "I don't know why people buy this stuff.  I am soooo sketch about used underwear."

"Oh no,  it's not like that!"  I replied.  "It's for the codpiece I'm making!"

Yeah,  her jaw pretty much hit the floor,  and I left without explaining myself.  Good times.  Anyway,  expect pictures of the costume a little closer to Halloween!  What's everyone else going as?

I want the Mini Wheats guy DEAD.

So first off,  what failure of evolution finds eating Mini Wheats to be difficult? Neurosurgery is hard. Running a marathon is hard.  Eating Mini Wheats is a challenge I've been up to since I was a toddler.  Tell your kids wussy with their "little mouths" to suck it up.

Okay,  it's not actually the product itself to which I object.  It's actually kind of a good idea.  Still,  it is a bit funny how they have to stress the ease of eating these particular Mini Wheats.  If your morning bowl of cereal is the most difficult thing you have to deal with,  I would like to have your life please. 

What really bugs me is how that mindless frosted jackass stresses all the wrong syllables just to fit the meter of Limbo Rock.  Min-EEEE Wheats?  They're not called that!  Try again,  idiot! This is not his first offence either -- he does the same in nearly all his commercials.   

If they were thought-provoking well-crafted lyrics,  I might be a little more forgiving,  but they're inane and tend to be about fibre content.  I hate him.  I hate him so bad!  May Tony The Tiger rip his ass to Shreddies.

And this is why I don't watch television.

A Dear John Letter

Yoko Ono requested that YouTubers upload their video tributes to John Lennon on his 70th birthday. I watched some and was quite moved, but thought I should just remind everyone that today is a HAPPY day!

Feliz Navidad... in July.

Hello In There!!!

This is the first thing I ever recorded on my new camcorder. the zoom's a little more powerful than my sister or I had initially anticipated...

I'm A Kinda Big Deal. Only Not.

Weird. I just visited my Deviant Art page after letting it lie dormant for about 5 years. Turns out I've become a lot more popular there after leaving than I ever was in "life". Yeah, just like Nick Drake or Vincent Van Goh... except nothing like that. I guess the thing that really struck me is that I had sold a load of prints and didn't even know it. It really only ads up to about $50 for me, but that's $50 I didn't have before, and somewhere out there someone has a 20 by 30 glossy of Socke and The Raggedy Anarchist on their wal. And that's funny. Sometimes I wonder if I should have done more with that comic. Sometimes I still wonder if I should.

Ruby and the Blowfish

This is my first attempt to use a webcam. Basically I rant about Discogs, pufferfish, and why I dislike contemporary Christian music. I oversimplify a few key concepts, but I only had 10 minutes. Besides, I wasn't trying to make a documentary... just clowning for the camera!

Before assembling your BJÖRNHOLMEN: The Ikea People demystified

1. Never attempt to dry-hump a parallelogram on your own. Your charming curly-haired friend should be only too happy to assist. It helps if he's naked too.

2. There's no need to fall to your knees in despair if your bevelled three-dimensional object begins to crumble from neglect! A little TLC will set everything right. Try fondling it on a fringed area rug. Be sure to leave one hand free to scratch your butt.

3. Unsure as to whether or not your awkwardly stacked geometric figures truly appreciate your accordion serenades? Plug your phone into the nearest Ikea! You'll be happy you did.

Now... let the assembly begin.

Workin' at the Car Wash

Dear Hugh's Self-Serve Car And Truck Wash,

Why do you insist upon hanging your foam brushes so impossibly high? I am a woman of above-average height, and I don't mind telling you I have to stand on my toes to reach the very bottom of the handle so that I can awkwardly knock the brush situated several feet above my head out of its cradle. My only guess is that you find hilarity in watching the expressions of your patrons when they realize moments too late that they should have unhooked the brush before they flicked the switch from "presoak" to "foam", and of course the obligatory soap-avoidance dance that accompanies trying to unhook that contraption. In the end it's all for nought anyway, and they may as well just brace themselves for the blob of foam about to land square on their scalps.

Come to think of it, it is pretty funny. Carry on.

Forever your girl,
Ruby Doomsday